well....what can i say? i give up.

i've been fighting for fuckin 14 years, and i just GIVE UP.

a couple of weeks ago me and Will Nicoletti got into a fight. he said he didnt wanna be my friend no more. i know i shouldn't feel like this, like he was a good friend, because if he threw me aside that easily than we obviously weren't that close. but....it was nothing more then a misunderstanding. and the holes in my chest are opening wider and wider. i just want someone to walk up to him and be like "ya know Jess has scars goin up her arms because of you"
i kinda liked him. its true. but i knew nothing would come of it so yeah. i never really wanted to go out with him. he's not bf material; he's big brother material. but Christa was being a good friend and started talking to him and he got mad at me. i'm kinda laughing now at the sheer stupidity of the whole situation. but i'm not mad at Christa. i never was. she was trying to help and in all reality i give her props for looking out for me like that.

i feel like crying, but i know that its not going to help anything. why waste eyeliner in such a way?

August aint comin around quick enough. i think i may just die from blood loss before then.

but i'm scared. i'm really scared. not about Tom or Will. about my friends. my real friends. i feel like we're splitting apart. like we're turning our backs on eachother and clenching our fists.

i've come to realize that we may not have been as close as i had thought. you know who you are. IM me about it if you feel like talkin.

i think Huey's come down with a cold. he's coughing a lot. i feel bad for my baby. it may just be allergies, though.

Wanda? whats there to say. her flowers are dying with the change of weather. this is one subject i have no problem crying over.

Dads an ass; Mom's unemployed. nothing new in either of those categories.

i made a couple new friends. Sebastion and Alan Hernandez. their pretty cool. Sebastion and me used to be track buddies when he was still in the middle school w/ me (their in 10th grade now) and Alan....he just kinda showed up at the lunch table lol.

i've started a new story. its not gonna be a chapter story; probly a novela that i post on here. all i'm gonna tell you about the story is that everything you see is not as it appears.

i'm starting to go back into my dormant state, i've noticed. i'm being really quiet nowadays. i've been eating less and less. we're out of ritz crackers so there goes my after school snack. i'm up to around half a sandwich a day. and oddly enough this doesn't bother me. at all.

i'm just sick of passing every old friend in the hall and having to look the other way because if we look at each other i'll break down.

i'm going over a friends house tomorrow after the barn and she's going to try to cheer me up. we're celebrating her birthday. we're going to a football game, she'll be coming home with probly 6 guys phone numbers, we're going out to dinner, camping outside, and then we'll probly be going to the mall the next day.

i was watching a christmas thing before that my mom taped of me in second grade. a lot of the scratches were still on my face. i had a shit load of unopened presants in my lap, but all i did was sit next to Wanda and pet her. i didn't care about the presants.

why my family is stupid enough to bring these memories out in front of me is beyond me.

i saw Will yesterday alone. i almost smiled at him, but then he glared at me and i had to force my eyes close. i gripped my arm so tight that the sheet white scars couldn't be seen.

i've given up on ways to make everything better. i've been waving that little white flag for 8 years now.

love you all. sia